The Power of the Spoken Word with Little Ones

As NYSPEP prepares for our member meeting and training institute "Planting the Seeds for Early Literacy" - a member sent us the following article written from a parent's perspective. For more information about our May 20, 2014 member meeting on early literacy, please visit our website at www.nyspep.org/.

The Power of the Spoken Word with Little Ones
by Karen Holtslag, MS

Language flows from humans like a spring of fresh water from the earth. Our first word is often “Ma.” My understanding of why that may be so came while nursing my infant who looked up at me with love in his eyes and gurgled a milky sound against my breast that came out “mmmmaaaa.” And so it begins. When he was close to a year old he would ride in my arms and point to objects around the room saying, “Dat!” (translation: “What is the word for that?”). He was hungry for language and was constantly keyed in to what his papa and I were saying.  As the old adage goes, “Little pitchers have big ears.”

Consequently I was very conscious of how I spoke to him, what words I chose and what message I wanted to convey. I became more sensitive to the ways we use our voice to augment our words and the impact that has on children. We may employ tone to convey danger, energy to excite enthusiasm, rhythm or melody to soothe. To bring added sweetness or humor to our communications, we can caress or be silly with sounds and vocalizations.

It is not necessary to talk down to little children. All words are new and interesting to them, and the full range of sounds is contained in their babbling. At times I detected Chinese or German inflections in my nine month-old baby’s gibberish. I realized that before he knew words he had the capacity to create all of the sounds of human speech. I decided it would serve him best to use the correct words with which he could learn to communicate and save the goochy-goo talk for playful silliness. These insights came to me within the context of the feedback loop between my little son and me. As he learned what words were all about, I became ever more aware of the power of our spoken words.

For young children, discovering language is like receiving a magical power. If they speak their needs and their parents respond by fulfilling them, they grow to feel trust in their world and trust in their ability to get what they need. This brings them confidence as they move out into the broader arenas of experience, like friendships and school. The words we choose to shape our children’s behavior and teach them about the world, also shape them. My son, pointing at a tulip and hearing our words “flower” and “pretty” was learning the name and quality of the thing he was seeing and experiencing.

So it is when a child does something and hears words spoken about her. She is learning a sense of herself from those words. If she likes to build with blocks and is adept and creative and is praised for that, she will identify with that quality, taking it as a part of whom she is. “I am a good builder.” If she does something wrong and as a reprimand is told she is a bad girl, she will come to see herself in that way. Whether the message is held consciously or unconsciously, she carries the shame of “I am bad.”

It is important to differentiate the behavior from the child. The names or epithets we assign to children inform their growing sense of self and can affect them throughout their lives. We can better use their misbehavior as teaching opportunities. The objective in reprimanding a child is to teach him right action. When he goes astray, it is most constructive to define the behavior as wrong, not the child.

When my son was a little boy I taught him to use words when he was upset and never try to solve problems by hitting. One day he was at the top of a sliding board and the boy behind him was pushing. In my son’s fear he defensively turned around and hit the other child.  When the boy cried my son was devastated. For three nights he had trouble falling asleep because of feelings of guilt over hurting someone. I needed only to explain again that words were powerful enough and hitting hurts both people. Now he understood that for himself. I told him that we all make mistakes and that is how we learn. He never has raised his hand to anyone since, nor does he carry the shame of believing he is bad because he made a mistake.

In my study of clinical hypnosis I learned the power of suggestion on the unconscious mind of an adult in trance. The mind of a small child is just as impressionable, if not more so. Rather than highlighting and emphasizing the inevitable “imperfections” in our children, we can make use of the opportunities presented by their mistakes for teaching a set of values and right action that can guide them. Explaining why it is wrong is the teaching piece. The feeling of discomfort for the child in having done a “bad thing” is the motivation to change, to avoid feeling that discomfort again.

There comes a point in our children’s development, at about age four or five, that I think of as the age of the never ending “Why?”. When I was a child I vowed to myself I would never say “Because I said so” to my child when he asked why something was so or why he couldn’t do something.  However when my numerous explanations from different angles with different nuances of meaning were still met with “why” from my five-year-old inquisitor, I too reverted to that age-old parental response.

Some of the repetition of the question comes from the gap between the child’s use of language and what they can truly comprehend. They feel that if they ask enough times, maybe they will get it.  Sometimes they are just experimenting with testing boundaries.  None of it is need be taken as bad behavior. When met with this verbal version of water torture, have patience and explain again, perhaps in different words or with different examples. But when the “why” comes again and yet again, “because I said so” is a valid response. If delivered in a spirit of good-natured patience, the lesson is imbued with the kindly authority of mommy and daddy, which is what defines the reality of a young child.

Little children are naturally eager to be noticed and “seen” and are hungry for the validation and acceptance of their parents. Therefore, let us find the best in them and name it, reflecting it back onto them, no matter how young they are, no matter what level of language they have. When they make a mistake, teach them with kindness a better way.  In the process they are learning language, proper behavior and a positive sense of themselves.

If we, as parents understand the power of our words on our little ones and speak to them always with loving authority, the words they associate with themselves will provide them with a sense of safety and positive self regard. The confidence this gives children allows them to move through life with a feeling of inner security and the belief that they are capable of learning how to be and behave in the world. It assures them that they are good and capable of doing good things. It allows them to meet life with openness and joy, their natural birthright as little children.

Karen E. Holtslag, MS is a counselor, teacher, workshop leader and Reiki Master practicing in Westchester, Dutchess and Ulster Counties.  She leads seminars and workshops and provides educational and case supervision for teachers and counselors.  Contact: k.holtslag@gmail.com